Hiya, things have been difficult for many people over the last twelve months. I wanted to share the following with you. David Bernstein, who earns his living as a freelance copywriter, has been practicing Zen in London for not much more than a year. Nevertheless, through his diligence he has already obtained an opening into The Way. This is all the more timely as it occured during a time when he was staring bankrupcy in the face. I’ll pass the story over to David.

Best wishes Daizan

Background

Over the past 10 years I have worked as a writer. I began my career working as a journalist on a trade publication and then went on to work for a PR agency as an in-house editor. To cut a long story short, in March 2007 I went freelance. Partly this was by accident. At that time I was working in-house for a well know private equity firm. The company could not find a place for me on their books, but suggested I become a full time contractor. I found that I could complete all of my work for the company and have time to spare, so I decided that I would pitch for more business. Through a business acquaintance, I got introduced to the telecoms operator Orange and ended up writing speeches for senior executives at the company. That partnership was particularly lucrative and stood me in good stead when my relationship with the private equity firm ended.

Essentially, I stumbled into become a freelance writer. Although I had plenty of experience in writing, I was ill prepared for running a business. At the beginning I didn’t even know what an invoice was and had no idea how to manage my accounts. I didn’t have a clue how to pitch for business and didn’t have a corporate email address or website.

Working on a koan

In the summer of 2008 I was living in a flat in Kilburn, North West London. Although business was slowing, I was not particularly perturbed. My rent and bills were costing me in excess of £800 per month and I was increasingly dipping into my overdraft facility, but I was more concerned about getting a girlfriend. I was essentially blind to the situation that I was in. Little did I know that the credit crunch was just around the corner.

In July of that year I went to a party where I was introduced to Daizan Roshi. I had been interested in Buddhism and Zen for many years and couldn’t believe that I was talking to a genuine Zen Master. We ended up having a long chat in a pub round the corner from Daizan’s place. It is rare to meet someone who listens to you with rapt attention, and I found myself telling Daizan Roshi things that I had not admitted to even my closest friends. Daizan listened sympathetically and invited me to come to his yoga and meditation classes.

So began a sequence of events that would result in me attending meditation retreats in Scotland and Japan and meeting a whole load of interesting people. I started to practice zazen on a daily basis and had more than one enlightenment experience. And I had the privilege of spending two weeks at Daizan Roshi’s temple in Japan, where I received direct instruction from Shinzan Roshi, his phenomenal teacher. During that trip I also had the opportunity to visit many beautiful temples and learn more about the culture of Zen. I have done lots of things in my life, but the Zen trip to Japan must rank as one of the best experiences I have ever had.

Over that period I went through many remarkable experiences that shifted my perspective in all kinds of ways. My life became less marked by fear; I opened up more to people and found myself appreciating life more.

But I was still gripped with dread about my financial situation. In 2009, my biggest client suddenly decided to stop working with me. I was struggling to find work, was using up more of my overdraft facility and was having to borrow money from my father on a regular basis.

Worse than the money concerns, was the way that I felt about myself. I felt an acute sense of shame. Here I was, a single guy, 35 years old and broke. Not a good combination, or so I felt.

I had spoken to Daizan Roshi many times about my financial problems and he could see that I was getting more and more upset about my situation. After returning from Japan he gave me a new koan. The koan didn’t figure in any Zen texts and had clearly been devised for me. It was “How do I make a living?”

Working on the question was a painful experience at first. A lot of emotions arose along with their attendant physical attributes. My throat ached. My sides hurt. And my head throbbed. There were times when I was on the verge of tears.

I was assailed by these feelings on a continual basis and there seemed to be no end to them. But I carried on working with the question. I felt that I had to keep faith with the process, because I didn’t want to carry on living my life in a state of abject misery.

While this was going on I went through the difficult process of re-ordering my financial affairs. I got a new bank manager and met him on three occasions to discuss my monetary situation. I decided to move out of my place and into a studio flat in West Hampstead, saving myself over £150 in rent at a stroke. I also decided to put more effort into promoting my business and found someone to build me a company website.

Luminescent emptiness

After working for several months on the koan, I found that the unpleasant feelings started to dissipate. In my meditation I was opening up to that sense of boundless emptiness, which Zen Master Bankei Zenji calls “the unborn”.

That feeling of oneness continued to build over a period of weeks. Last week I had a private interview (sanzen) with Daizan Roshi. During that conversation I felt so in tune with that feeling of oneness that I couldn’t help laughing as we sat in his garden. Daizan Roshi felt that I had experienced a major shift in my practice, but I was sceptical at first. I was still conscious that I spent a great deal of time thinking about money-related matters.

True to form Daizan Roshi turned out to be correct in his assessment. In the days that followed, the sense of luminescent expansiveness that I had experienced partially in previous weeks grew and blossomed. It would come in waves, often at unexpected times. Occasionally a wave would burst forth just when I was ruminating over some issue as if to remind me that there was a bigger universe outside (and inside) me.

I am still coming to terms with this change. Naturally, I still think about my finances but there is no attendant feeling of panic and dread. The physical symptoms that have been assailing me for months have gone. And I have no sense of shame. I just feel like someone who is living their life from one moment to the next. And that is a glorious feeling in its own right. Right now, I am looking out of my window and revelling in the glorious autumn sunshine.

It seems to me that our society is obsessed with labelling people as success stories or failures. I am quite conscious that is how the vast majority of people see things, but I feel no desire to share in this vision. That is not to say that I don’t strive for conventional success – nothing would please me more if my business did well commercially – but I do not define myself by that.

I now view my financial problems as challenges to fix, probably in much of the same way as a mathematician thinks about an equation. I do consider these challenges a great deal, but that is probably a result of just being much more alert to my situation. Before I was asleep to the situation; now I am awake.

Hiya, hope all’s well. Recently a London Zen student of mine was in Japan and went to an international sesshin, a one-week Zen retreat with a well known and published American Zen master of the Soto school. Before the retreat, the Master asked my student whether he had ever experienced anything in his practice. Yes, he had, was the answer.

     A little while later at the start of the sesshin, the Master announced, “For the benefit of all you Rinzai people here (my student was the only one) I hope you’re not expecting any sort of enlightenment on this retreat.” Everyone laughed. My student felt a bit uncomfortable. And then everyone sat in zazen meditation for the week.

     How many enlightenment experiences came out of this process? Zero. All those tons of aviation fuel, all that money spent, all the pain in the knees – all for no result.

     Shame, eh! I’m only mentioning this because it pays to be a little careful who you study with.  People who practice Soto-style zazen meditation have kensho or enlightenment experiences all the time. Dogen Zenji, the Japanese founder of Soto Zen, was sitting in the meditation hall one night beside a monk who had fallen asleep in his sitting place. Tendo Nyojo, their teacher shouted, “When you study under a master, you must drop the body and mind; what is the use of singleminded intense sleeping.” At this moment, Dogen suddenly had an enlightenment experience which was confirmed by the master.  This being the foundation of Soto Zen, how can it be that many contemporary Soto masters denigrate the experiencing of enlightenment?

     Well, sad to say, many of them have not experienced it, and rather than humbly doing their best to guide others while at the same time seeking to gain the awakening they seek for, instead, they downplay the whole thing and claim it is not important. When a master makes comments like the above, only the very strongest of students will push ahead regardless and throw themselves into the world of enlightenment. Psychologically, they have to remove the master from the teaching seat and effectively walk on alone. What a shame!

     Not all Soto Zen masters are like this, I’m happy to say. But sadly many are. In fact even the title “Roshi” or Zen Master has become degraded in Japanese Soto Zen where, a monk who has practiced only a couple of years in the Training Monastery, if he can find a master to give him Dharma Transmission, regardless of any understanding he may or may not have achieved, will then automatically have permission to teach and can use the title Roshi. This is not at all the practice of Dogen Zenji, who was extremely demanding in his selection of Dharma heirs, and not at all the practice in Rinzai Zen.

     I hate having to write this, but there are many so-called Zen teachers running around wasting an awful lot of peoples’ time. Please take care.

                                                  With respect Daizan

Hiya, just a quick note to let you know that I’m doing a talk on Zen in Japan at the London Buddhist Society, 58 Eccleston Square, behind Victoria Station on wednesday September 10th at 6.30pm. The talk is scheduled to last an hour or so and is free.

                See you there,      Cheers D